she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i think i have two assholes
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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