one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
