DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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