I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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