I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
