I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she smelled like a LAN party
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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