my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
