And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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