He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
