I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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