Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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