Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
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The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
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He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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