I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
