just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
