Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize