it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
