I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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