Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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