Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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