i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
