What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
