Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
