I wanna passion pit in your ass
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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