I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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