As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
