Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
