Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
