If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
