nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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