and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
