Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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