capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
