Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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