I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
