im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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