I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
