Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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