I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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