Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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