dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
