Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
