i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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