i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
