Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
