No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
