I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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