I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
