I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
