Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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