Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
