sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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