Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
