don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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