I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
