we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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