Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
