____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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